Things I know: Control Yourself!

Things I know: Control Yourself!: Last week, I was asked to do something that was not really necessary, and my circumstances that week supplied me with a really strong excuse...

Control Yourself!

Last week, I was asked to do something that was not really necessary, and my circumstances that week supplied me with a really strong excuse not to do it, but it was the right thing to do.  I forgot about it, and at a time when I could still do it, was told not to worry about it.  I said okay, thank you so much, and promptly went on my way. Shortly thereafter, a third party called and pressured me to reconsider. I agreed and got the job done. So here's the real point of my story... my reaction to the third party was annoyance and anger. Not overtly, but privately, I was angry.  My thoughts were along the line of "who does she think she is?" and "she is such a pushy person, only thinking of herself".  Needless to say, I was feeling very negative, a state of mind I abhor, so I decided to try to look at the third person in a different way. Have you ever tried pulling something very heavy? The first yank doesn't move anything at all...especially if that yank was halfhearted... but if you tighten your grip, steady yourself, and keep at it, eventually you move it just a little. Then a little more, and a little more, and before you know it, you've made some headway. Well, that's how I was feeling. The first thought about her was hardly a change at all. "Well, she just doesn't know how to mind her own business"... then a little better "I don't really think she realizes how pushy she is" and "maybe she was just trying to prevent me from looking bad to others" ... then "this is a silly reason to be so upset"... Well, you get the idea... until finally, I could honestly say I was no longer angry. I don't mean to give the impression that this was a quick and easy feat, in fact, it took me all night. But it worked. And that's my point. 

In retrospect, I can see that my anger was really about me feeling a bit guilty for not doing the right thing in the first place, but I would never have seen that in the state I was in. I can also see that this person actually had my back, because she didn't want me to look bad.  So... the moral of my story is that we can control how we feel as long as we take control of our thoughts. This is not the first time I've talked about this in my blog, but it was such a strong example in my own life that I just had to share... so control your thoughts, control your life!

Things I know: State of Mind

Things I know: State of Mind: Have you ever been misunderstood?  Has something you've done or said ever been taken the wrong way?  Have you ever been made aware that...

State of Mind

Have you ever been misunderstood?  Has something you've done or said ever been taken the wrong way?  Have you ever been made aware that you've taken something that someone else did or said the wrong way?  Well, I certainly have!  In fact, in this age of technology, it is easier then ever to misunderstand and be misunderstood through texts, posts and emails.  Yesterday, I was thinking about a time I responded to a friend's post on Facebook and another friend of hers responded to mine with venom and hate. Our mutual friend corrected the misinterpretation and all was well, but this made me think about our state of mind. I can't pretend to know this person's state of mind at the time of her response to me, but my experience leads me to believe that her response had much more to do with her state of mind than with the words I used.  In fact, I would venture to say that 100% of her response was due to the way my words sounded to her through the interpretation of her state of mind at the time.  

So, I wonder... how many times have I heard (or read) sarcasm that wasn't there?  How many times did I interpret body language in the wrong way?  Did I hear a tone of voice that was different than what I heard through my own state of mind?  And after my misinterpretation, how much bigger does the imagined slight become because of my own self talk...through that same state of mind?  So, what of this?  Do you think it might be possible to reduce the amount of anger, hurt feelings, dissatisfaction (and I don't even know how many other negativities) in our life if we just take a moment to stop and pay attention to our own state of mind?  We can't control the state of mind of those around us who are misunderstanding us, but what we  CAN do is realize that their reaction to what we say or do is through the eyes of their state of mind, and cut them some slack. Imagine if we all just took a moment to consider the state of mind from where the reaction is generated.  I, for one, will be much happier in my day to day dealings now that I will be taking that moment....  happy day, my friends!

Embrace the Horror!

I came to a realization recently, and it rocked my world!  I have always understood the value of negative things happening in my life.  Oh you know, you can't see the light without the dark, or the good wouldn't be as sweet without the bad... you get the picture... the contrast.  But what if the bad, negative, unwanted things that happen in our lives are actually the PATH to the best parts of our lives?  What if we NEED these negative happenings in order to move forward?  If that were the case, would we think differently about the bad things that happen?  Would we feel differently?  Hard to say.

When I look back on some of the darkest times of my life, I can see clearly that without those times, some of the brightest days would not have happened.   We've all had these experiences... the lay off that led to the wonderful job... the breakup that led to the magical relationship... the failure that led to the discovery.  These are the stories of our lives... the pieces that come together to form who we are and who we will be.  I have often said "we don't grow from the easy stuff", but what does that actually mean in our everyday lives?  I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and I've come to realize that at the heart of every negative event is a positive outcome.  Even in the death of a loved one, which one could argue would be the darkest of events.  My mother passed away some time ago, and although the pain of her loss is still strong, I have since come to know my father as I never did while she was alive.  In fact, my father has become a stronger, more vital inspiration to everyone he meets.  I said to him recently that I feel like I didn't really know him until my mother died and his answer was that he didn't really know himself until after she died.  Imagine that!  In addition, my father took it upon himself to "keep the family together" in my mother's absence.  He has frequent family dinners, hosts holidays (with us doing the cooking) and takes us all on family vacations each year.  This togetherness has lead to a deepening of the relationships between my siblings, the cousins, aunts and uncles.  There is a closeness in our family that I believe would never have happened had my mother lived longer.  When I think about my life, there are countless examples of negative events leading to positive outcomes.

So, what of these negative events?  To be honest, I find it kind of hard to embrace them as good... but I'm trying because when I don't.... when I dwell on it.... when I get stuck in my negative thinking... I delay the positive outcome.  The sooner I can wrap my head around the benefit of these negative events, the sooner I can get on with my life and the sooner I can reap the rewards.  So in the words of Rockhound in Armageddon... Embrace the Horror!

Things I know: BUT Free Zone

Things I know: BUT Free Zone: In my opinion, one of the most powerful words to our self esteem is BUT.  I call it the "B" word.  Think about it... "I did a...

BUT Free Zone

In my opinion, one of the most powerful words to our self esteem is BUT.  I call it the "B" word.  Think about it... "I did a good job on that presentation, BUT I can't believe how I messed up that intro."  "I would love to do that, BUT I already know I can't."  Look at the preceding sentences...in each case, the overall feel is completely changed after the "B" word. 

The word BUT is used to completely negate what was just said, and to point out the flaws in the statement.  When coaching my agents in sales, I find they often talk themselves out of success once the "B" word creeps into their conversations. "I get X% commission BUT for you I'll take x%."   Self depreciation has somehow become admirable in our society, and yet one of the most attractive qualities in a person is confidence. Now, I'm not talking about conceit, but rather, true confidence. (see how I used the BUT there?). Once the BUT is introduced into the statement, the emphasis is on what follows. So, be careful in its use!

Now, of course, BUT can be used to turn a negative statement to a positive one (as I did above), and I encourage you to do so.  I simply ask that you start to pay attention and carefully choose your use of the "B" word...especially in your self talk. If the statement following BUT does not encourage, complement, build up....then simply drop the BUT, and everything that follows. It may take some practice, BUT you'll find a change in your attitude will make it worth the effort!